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Mala
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The Work PooAs much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is
> inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is theSurvival
> Guide for taking a dump at work
> CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
> smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
> know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
> the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
> smell has left your pants.
> FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
> check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
> come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
> become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
> ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
> forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
> of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
> Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
> urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
> uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
> parties feel uneasy.
> JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
> pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
> should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has
> left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
> COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
> hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink
> up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
> SHAME.
> WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
> after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
> uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
> it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
> the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
> OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
> it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
> with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
> the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
> THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
> together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
> group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
> Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
> SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
> you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
> opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering
> the bathroom.
> TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle
> and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
> vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
> occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
> you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
> CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
> bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up
> a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd burglars. Very effective when
> used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
> ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
> Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
> that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
> immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
> WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
> water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
> coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
> HAVANA OMELET -- A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
> splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
> a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
> UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
> spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
> pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
> you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
> you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
>
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